I hate how much I love you
by petals-to-fish
Summary: "I hate you so much." But her arms are around his waist and her laughter is giving away her unmistakable high from the adrenaline rush.


**Yeah, I wrote this instead of doing my study sheet. New school year is going well, clearly. Happy birthday to marlenepricemckinnon on tumblr! This ones for you babe! **

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"I hate you."

Lily says it right after he almost ran them into a tree on purpose, just to get a rise out of her. She'd screamed so loud in his ear as they raced towards the tree that his eardrum was still ringing. James doesn't mind at all though because she was closer to him now, even more than she'd been when she first mounted his broom on a dare.

"I hate you so much."

But her arms are around his waist and her laughter is giving away her unmistakable high from the adrenaline rush. James laughs at the irony of her empty words as he finishes the final loop around the grounds on his broom. Lily told him that she hated him at least five times a day, it was nothing new, she never meant it. He looks for another way to make her hold on tighter as their feet skim the frigid lake waters. The wind cuts between them but he can still feel her laughing as he makes another sharp turn into the winding towers of Hogwarts castle.

She doesn't ever stop laughing, not while around him.

She's laughing in the corridors, giggling in class, and is in stitches at the dinner table. Her laughter sounds a bit like a hyena when she really gets going, but James can't help and find the high-pitched bursts of laughter absolutely charming. She's so full of energy all the time, a literal form of pepper-up potion because she makes everyone feel better, especially James.

He thinks he fancies her.

Again.

The last time he'd fancied her, he made the mistake of telling Lily at a really inconvenient time. She didn't speak to him for weeks after the incident. In fact, the only reason she began speaking to him again at all was because he apologized for asking her out. He didn't want to ruin what they'd gotten back just because he couldn't get over a stupid schoolboy crush.

They were friends, good friends. Lily often picked him in class as a partner now a days and he was always sitting next to her at lunch during the week. James didn't want to lose Lily to a stupid hormone induced fever dream where she actually likes him back…so he just repressed his feelings.

She didn't need to know that he always looked for an excuse to touch her wrist or smell her hair. Lily probably wouldn't find it very endearing that James only pretended to not get potions, so he could watch her get all cute and flustered over unorganized ingredient lists. Even now, with her sitting across from him, he is leaning forward in his chair so that his knees are brushing hers under the table. She is sketching with a quill and he is focused on homework but also so very aware of her.

"I like you, you know."

She says it so casually, so offhandedly, that James almost thinks she's talking to someone else. She couldn't have been talking to anyone else though. It was just James and Lily sitting in the common room after curfew. James was reading his potions notes and Lily was across the table from him, drawing out the prefect schedule for the Head Girl.

"What?"

"I like you." she is all smiles, "I know I say I hate you all the time, but I don't."

James fidgets with his parchment of notes, his eyes lowering to the bottom corner where he'd sketched her side profile without her knowing. His eyes shoot back up and he notes that her eyes are searching his face worriedly because he didn't answer her. He realizes she's worried that she's offended him somehow, even thought she could never.

"Of course, I know you're joking." he said calmly, "we're mates. I tell Sirius I hate him every other day. I get it."

"Good."

"Great." He winks at her, "Mates for life."

"Mates for life." she agrees firmly, but the lines on her forehead don't disappear.

James has known Lily since they were eleven, so six whole years. Almost seven, come September first. She's grown up in the best ways possible, keeping her childlike wonder and growing more beautiful each year. This year especially, she came back looking like a model thanks to her flawlessly brushed, lengthy auburn hair and thickly applied eye liner. She's always stood out from the crowd because she was so vivacious but now, she stood out because she's taken to wearing her muggle clothes under her cloak on weekends.

James has a favorite outfit, not that he's motivated to actually telling her what outfit he likes best. Luckily, she wears her buttoned yellow shirt, bright like the sun, almost once a week. And when she pairs the yellow shirt with her white trousers that flared out at the ankle? James always has to take an extra amount of time to remember how to speak words around her when she wears that.

As if she knows his preference, she wore the outfit to the last Hogsmede trip of the year with her long her hair braided down her back. He is bewitched by Lily, so he doesn't leave her side, even after all their friends have left The Three Broomsticks in favor of the sweets shop. He is playing with her, working her u like he always did. It starts with a tug of her braid and soon, he's trying to take her drink.

"James...no!" she's laughing again, her usual reaction to his antics, "It's mine, Get your own!"

It does her no good, James has long arms and snatches her mug from her loose fingertips with ease, knocking the rest of her drink back with three big gulps. She hits him when he slams the mug on the bar. Her green eyes are wrinkled at the edges from her toothy smile as she steals her mug back.

"I hate you."

But she's snickering and already getting out her coin purse to pay for another drink.

James rolls his eyes and reaches for his own gold, giving it to Rosie the barmaid before Lily could even count her sickles. He ignores her protests and instead, swipes a bit of foam from her newly refilled glass, plopping it on her nose. She uses her sleeve to wipe it off and then takes a drink.

She stares at him over the top of her new mug. He can see the smile in her eyes as they settle back into their seats. Her yellow shirt has fallen open where she left the buttons undone. James traces the curve to Lily's collarbone in the darkened haze of the bar.

"I'll miss you over the summer."

Her voice is light, with just a slight tone of sadness echoing throughout it. A hopeful lurch to James' gut wakes him out of his reveries.

"You just said you hated me." he pointed out, playfully swinging his foot against hers under the bar.

"I like to hate you."

"You _like_ to hate me?" he snorts, "You make no bloody sense, Evans."

"I like you," she says it again, matter-of-factly, "But I also hate you. In an affectionate kind of way."

"How do you hate someone affectionately?"

"When that someone steals your firewhiskey." she quips, winking at him before swiping his mug right out from under his nose and drinking the rest of his drink.

He fancies her and she likes to hate him. It was all very roundabout, but he reckons it could be worse. He could fancy her, and she could actually hate him. Luckily, she doesn't, not even a little bit.

Lily looks at him with stars in her eyes whenever they meet up for ice cream in Diagon Alley that summer. She asks him to stop buying her ice cream or her arse won't fit into her jeans. James thinks her arse would always looks good in jeans, but he won't tell her that as she's dragging him to the antique stores in Cokesworth. Lily picks out postcards from the 20′s to send to friends and tries on an old helmet from world war one.

She loves history, especially when it melds her two worlds together. James surprises her with a locket from her favorite antique store and inside are tickets to the Museum of London.

"You didn't?!" she's overjoyed, practically jumping out of her lace trimmed socks, "James!"

He's beaming and he notices Lily's mum is in the corner of the Evans' kitchen staring at her daughter with the same look of joy. James catches Mrs. Evans' eye and flashes a knowing grin. He'd done well. Lily's thrown her arms around James' neck and is burying her nose into his skin.

"You're my favorite person on planet earth," she says fondly, "This is too much, how am I supposed to pay you back?"

"You don't have to pay me back." he said, arms slowly hooking around her waist, "I just thought you might like a day in London before we go back to school."

"Definitely." she breathes eagerly, "Yes!"

He picks her up for the London Museum bright and early on August 30th. She's wearing a dress, something new. It was beautiful on her, a turquoise color with black button that buttoned from the top of her neck all the way down to the frilled skirt edge. The collar of the dress was pressed, and she wore the necklace he had given her like an ornament around her neck.

She's absolutely breathtaking.

It took everything to not stare at Lily all the way to the museum. James wanted too, but her eyes kept fluttering over to him on the bus and he didn't want her to catch him staring too much. He figures that she keeps staring at him because he is wearing a pair of pale blue trousers matched with a dark blue button down. He'd bought clothes from a muggle store just for the occasion.

"You look good today." she tells him as they swap busses.

He resorts to joking, a fall-back when he's nervous around her, "one of us has to be presentable in public."

She slaps his arm, "git."

He bit his lip to keep from telling her that she's the prettiest woman in the world and he couldn't hold even a flicker of light when he stood next to her. Lily radiated sunshine, happiness and kindness. Everyone fell in love with her the minute they got into a conversation with her.

He gets a thrill when he touches Lily's waist to guide her to the ticket booth. She glances at him, her eyes sparkling, and he wants to paint her expression to memory. She's so excited that her cheeks are rosy, and she is practically balancing on the edge of her toes. It's like she'd preparing to fly into the museum, something he wouldn't put past her.

"Do you still think I'm a git?" he jokes as they make their way up the large staircase.

"The biggest."

But then her hand grabs his once they're inside and she's pulling him towards a giant animal with tusks and a long snout reaching for leaves in a fake tree. He's staring at their hands, entertained, and she's staring at the elephant with curiosity. Lily's hand is tiny in his own and her fingers are dancing against his palm as she reads about elephant history.

They enter a butterfly room where butterflies of every color were hung on the walls. It almost seemed like the butterflies were about to fly off the walls and cover them in a rainbow of colors. Lily's stuck on the largest butterfly in the room, her eyes wide as she reads the sign beneath it.

They spend at least ten minutes at every display, Lily is taking in everything with as much enthusiasm as a kid opening gifts on Christmas. She marvels over a ballerina costume from 1931, even going on her tiptoes to model the mannequin holding the tutu. James wishes he brought a camera so that he could take pictures and save them for a rainy day.

James is relieved that she's so caught up in the paintings and artifacts because the longer she stares at the art, the longer he can admire her. He loves seeing her so happy, so content. She's practically crying over a display of Elizabethan jewelry and he's practically swooning as she takes his hand again to drag him closer to her side.

"Look," she utters, pointing at a crown amongst rubies, "Mary Tudor wore that crown! Look at the diamonds! The ruby insets! James, isn't it amazing?"

She looks at him for confirmation.

"Yeah," he doesn't give a fuck about diamonds when her eyes meet his, "amazing."

He doesn't know how to tell Lily that he prefers emeralds to diamonds.

They make their way through the natural history section slowly, stopping at each animal and comparing them to magical creatures. Lily is trying to convince James that the giraffe isn't a magical creature and he is threatening to apparate them to Africa right then and there to prove her wrong.

"They're not magical." she said firmly, "Do you remembering seeing giraffes in Newt Scamander's book?"

"He just couldn't fit them in."

"If he could fit in flesh-eating slugs, he would've gotten around to giraffes." she crosses her arms and cocks her hip in his direction to challenge him.

"Did you know," He grins impishly, feeling the normal urge to annoy her, "The flesh-eating slug is actually the closest living relative to the giraffe."

Lily rolls her eyes at him, "I hate you."

"You do _not_." he snorted, "you say that so much, Evans, I've come to see it as a term of endearment."

She rolls her eyes one last time before taking his hand and leading him on. She doesn't let go of his hand again, not until they're walking out of the museum and into the London streets. They window shop until she's ready to leave. He hopes she never wants to leave. Lucky for him, she's staying in his steps. She's touching his elbow, brushing his hand, knocking him off his feet with her minor touches.

James convinces Lily to go into a cafe at the end of the district and they settle into a booth together, Lily's left leg is pressed against his right. She's taken crayons and the kids' menu, coloring in a cartoon as she hums along to a song playing in the speakers overhead. James had never felt more relaxed or content. He swings a comfortable arm around her shoulders as he offered color suggestions for her cartoon.

She orders a chocolate croissant and fountain drink. He buys them a meal to split and keeps his mind off the fact that her feet keep touching his under the table by telling her a story. Soon she's laughing her loud, hyena laugh in public. People in the table next them turn in their seats but Lily's got her head thrown back against the old booth, her smile infectious.

"You're telling me," she wipes tears from her eyes, "that your mum actually bought that bullshite story and a dog had gotten into the house?"

"I swear to Merlin," he put a hand up, "to this day, she doesn't know I stole the garden gnome and tried to tame it. I think dad has an inkling though because to this day, that gnome still curses me out."

Her laughter slowed but her head came to rest against his shoulder, "I love you."

He almost knocks his chin into her forehead when he squints her way. He felt like all the air had been sucked out of his lungs. She said it so simply, so casual, and she doesn't catch it at first. Then, when she feels James go rigid at her side, Lily pulls way from him and glows bright red. He's positively enthralled, eyes searching the alarm on her face for something more. Anything more.

"I-I mean-" she was so enflamed now that her neck and cheeks were the same color, "I love how-I like when you—ah—stop looking at me like that!"

His grin has to be taking over his face now as he leaned closer to her, "like what?"

She blows air from her nose when he's inches from her face, "I hate you."

"You _just_ said you love me."

"And?" she's defensive, prickly, unprepared for her own slip up.

He says the words he's been dying to say for weeks, "I love you too."

Her jaw drops open and they just stare at each other. The booth keeps them close to each other and she can't run even if she wants too. James waits, holds his breath, desperate for her answer. Lily tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear as she scoots back up against him in the booth. Her lips are parted, wonder crossing her expression. James gives her a tiny nod, confirming her silent question.

Then Lily kisses him. Her mouth is tentative and sweet against his own. She pulls away first, her hair falling on each side of her round face like a curtain. She takes one of her hands and interlaces her fingers into the hair at the base of his neck. The red hasn't disappeared from her cheeks. Her thumb traces across his jaw, soaking in her own musings.

"You know, I've wanted to kiss you for months."

"Really?" he's already teasing her, content with the turn of events, "been hiding your true feelings Evans?"

She can't undo her affectionate smile, "I hate how much I love you," she says before she leans in to kiss him with added gusto.


End file.
